


I Want You Close

by MrsMusicAddict



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, First Kisses, Idiots in Love, John is very perceptive, Kissing, Lafayette is NB, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Unrequited Love, and demi/ace, communication is key, except it's requited, poor gil, they're all idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsMusicAddict/pseuds/MrsMusicAddict
Summary: Lafayette has been in love with their best friends for too long, and it's taken its toll on them. Living with John and Alexander is no longer something they feel they can handle, so they decide to move out.Little do they know John and Alexander are just as much in love with them as they are with John and Alexander.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette
Comments: 8
Kudos: 77





	I Want You Close

**Author's Note:**

> Well then. I came to this fandom approximately 4 years late. I am even late by 'dropping on Disney+' standards. But here I am. I've been in a Hamilton hole ever since I watched it two weeks ago and now I even wrote this after the idea came to me last night.
> 
> It's not great and unbetaed to boot because I am way too insecure to let anyone read this beforehand, so I am just putting it out there and hope you will all be kind to me and at least appreciate the idea, haha!
> 
> TW: a(n almost throw away) mention of a(ce)phobia

Lafayette sat in the kitchen, listlessly sipping at their coffee and staring at their toast. They had just texted Hercules and were now waiting for an answer. Lafayette didn't expect said answer for at least a couple more hours. It was a Saturday and Herc would be fast asleep until at least noon. If only they could sleep the day away and hide from the decision they'd come to during the night as they'd cried themselves to sleep.

“Hey! You're up early!” a surprised voice greeted them from across the room.

Lafayette closed their eyes for a second before opening them, forcing a smile onto their face. They had been so engrossed in their thoughts they hadn't even noticed John coming into the kitchen.

“I wish I wasn't,” they replied, trying to put some humor into it. Going by the look on John's face he failed.

“Rough night, huh?” John asked with a grimace. “What time did you even get home? We were up late but didn't hear you. Alex said you probably crashed at Herc's.”

Lafayette took a breath. They had prepared for this.

“I don't even know, John, it's all a blur.” They rubbed their eyes. “I don't remember much, to be honest.”

_Gods they wished they didn't. They wouldn't be sitting here right now if they didn't._

Lafayette was supposed to have gone out with Hercules the night before, but got hit with a migraine. They'd fallen asleep before John and Alexander had come back home, so they hadn't gotten a chance to tell them. When they'd woken their migraine had thankfully faded to a pounding headache, so they were about to get up to get something to eat when they heard some very familiar sounds he could have done without. Would have liked to go without. Would have _killed_ to go without.

John and Alexander generally did their best to be quiet, as to not disturb Lafayette too much, and they really appreciated it. For more reasons than the lovers were even aware of. But of course they didn't know that Lafayette was at home, so what normally were sounds they could drown out, were now so loud they were sure even the neighbors could hear them.

They didn't stick to their bedroom either, and Lafayette had to suffer through what was undoubtedly a blowjob right outside their room. They couldn't even be mad. Why stick to your bedroom when you believe to have an entire house to yourselves?

Lafayette's heart ached as they climbed back into bed and shut their eyes, willing this to be over soon. It wasn't even the sex that was the problem, not really. Lafayette had no real interest in such things, after all. It was what they had overheard right before one had gone down on the other. It was quiet, but with only a door between the three, Lafayette had heard it loud and clear.

“God, I love you so much, Alex,” John had whispered almost reverently.

“Not half as much as I love you,” Alexander had replied, and Lafayette just knew the two were gazing lovingly at each other as they were wont to do.

And that was what hurt. That was what had been the final drop to overflow the bucket. It was silly really, but last drops generally were.

And all because Lafayette had been stupid enough to fall in love with their best friends.

Their best friends, who were in love with each other. Who were so perfect for each other it hardly seemed like it could be real.

As Lafayette lay in bed, tears rolling down their cheeks, they decided they could not keep doing this. They had to get out, for their own well being.

And so they had ended up in the kitchen, texting Hercules if they could stay at his place for a while.

John scrunched up his face in sympathy.

“Fuck, that's not like you. Are you okay? Do you need some painkillers?”

Lafayette's heart cracked a little more as they shook his head and took another sip of their coffee.

“Who needs painkillers?” Alexander's way too chirpy voice chimed in. As he walked into the kitchen he stopped in his tracks. “Fucking hell, Gil, you look like shit.”

A bark of laughter escaped Lafayette's throat before they could stop it. They hoped it didn't sound the way it felt; like shards of broken glass. A quick glance at John told them it had at least sounded off.

“Alex!” John admonished him. “You can't just-” he sighed.

Alexander crossed the room and leaned down to sling his arm around Lafayette's shoulders.

“I'm sorry,” he said before planting a kiss on their cheek. “You're always beautiful.”

Lafayette tensed up, their eyes fixed on the table. There was only so much they could take today without crumbling.

“I'll be fine,” they muttered.

Alexander ruffled their hair, oblivious to their discomfort.

“Of course you will be. A night of drinking won't bring down our beloved Lafayette!”

They could hear John's sigh, and this was one of those times were they wished John wasn't as perceptive as he was.

“Alex, why don't you go get me some coffee?”

“But we have coffee!”

“I know, but I'm in the mood for a caramel macchiato.”

Alexander huffed and let go of Lafayette as he stood up.

“You're lucky I love you,” he grumbled.

John smiled in triumph, but there was something off about it, and Lafayette knew what he was doing. Panic set in.

“Very,” John smiled before accepting Alexander's kiss.

As Alexander was leaving, John called after him: “And don't you dare get more than two shots of espresso in yours!”

Alexander flipped him off before he was out of sight. A minute passed in which they could hear him gather his things and shoes. Then the front door opened and closed.

Immediately Lafayette felt John's eyes on them. They hunched their shoulders and fiddled with their toast.

John sat down next to him and stilled their hands. Lafayette barely suppressed a flinch, but John, of course, noticed. He pulled his hands away, and Lafayette could read the hurt in John's body language. They didn't have to see his face for that.

“Did something happen?” John asked softly. “Did someone hurt you?”

Lafayette's eyes shot up to John's without their permission. They could see the worry there, the anger waiting to be unleashed if Lafayette's answer was affirmative.

They shook their head. The only one hurting them, was themselves.

“Then what's-” John got broken up by the sound of Lafayette's phone.

They snatched it off the table before John could see who had texted them. A frown formed on their forehead as they registered Herc's name. What was he doing awake?

**Herc  
** _Ofc, any time. U ok?_

Lafayette put their phone in their pocket, relieved that they would have a place to stay. That was one less thing to worry about.

“Gil?” John sounded hesitant and small, and Lafayette hated themselves for it. “You're worrying me.”

“Nothing happened, John. I promise. I just-” they broke off. They hadn't planned for any of this to happen like this, but they were too tired to act like everything was fine before telling them he was leaving. “I'm moving out,” they finished on a breath.

They could see John tense up and they risked a glance upwards. Their heart broke at seeing John's face. John's face was made for smiling so seeing it be contorted in hurt and confusion shattered their heart.

“You're- What- Why?”

“I just can't stay here anymore, John.” Lafayette hoped against hope that John wouldn't pry even if they knew better.

“But this is your home!”

Lafayette shrugged, even if it cost them all their strength.

“Only partly. It shouldn't be too difficult to take my name off the deed. It'll just be yours and Alexander's.” They tried to look reassuring, like they were doing this for their friends' sake. Like they were giving them the house.

Seeing John's confusion turn to outrage told them they failed at that, too.

“We love living with you!”

“I know.”

“We want you here!”

“I know.”

“Then why-” John broke off, energy bouncing off of him. “Are you scared we'll kick you out? So you'll just leave now to spare us having to make that call?” He sounded almost angry.  
  
“...Yes.”

John's eyes narrowed and Lafayette cursed themselves for the hesitation. Why did they always have to be so honest?! This would have been the perfect excuse! But then it had always been near impossible to lie to John.

“We would never do that, we love you!”

And wasn't that just the thing? John looked so earnest, too.

“I know,” they whispered, averting their eyes.

John took a breath.

“Look, how about we wait until Alex is back and we can talk about this.”

Lafayette's eyes shot back to John and they knew it was pointless to even try to hide their panic.

“No,” they said shakily, but firmly, all the while shaking their head frantically. “I can't talk to him about this.” They knew Alexander would dismantle their arguments and make it impossible for them to leave. They also knew they couldn't possibly say no to Alexander anyway. Not that saying no to John was easy.

John stared at him, eyes searching. Lafayette couldn't break his gaze. When John's eyes softened Lafayette knew they'd been caught.

“You love him.”

“Of course I do,” they shot back, too fast.

John gave a soft chuckle, and Lafayette hated themselves for the hint of sadness in it. John must be wondering how they could ever betray him like that.

“You're _in_ love with him.”

Lafayette could feel the tears they'd been holding back all morning finally emerge.

“I'm sorry,” they whispered. If only they could keep John thinking it was only Alexander they were in love with. What would they even think of them if they found out they were in love with them both?

“Well, he is an easy man to love,” John said, with a soft smile, reaching out again.

And Lafayette's body betrayed them by pulling their hands out of reach. They didn't deserve John's comfort.

John let his hand drop and let out a small sigh.

“You don't have to feel guilty, Gil. You're not the first one to be in love with him while we've been together, and you won't be the last. This doesn't have to change anything between us.”

Lafayette closed their eyes. John was too kind, too understanding. They shook their head again.

“But it does, though. I can't stay here, I can't watch you being who you are and I can't ask you to stop.”

“I could ask Alex to stop being so affectionate with you? I could tell him it makes me uncomfortable?”

Lafayette slowly opened their eyes to look at John, who was looking back at them almost desperately. Why was this such a big deal to him?

“I'm the only one uncomfortable here, John, and it's my own fault. Me leaving is the easiest way out of this.”

“But Alex is barely home! Most of the time it's just us and-”

“John.”

“- I get why it's hard when he's around but surely we could figure something out-”  
  
“John.”

“We can kick Alex out some evenings when it's too much for you and say we need best friend bonding time or something-”

“ _Laurens._ ”

Lafayette was begging him to stop before they would actually break down. Their eyes pleading with him, their throat closing up with more tears.

John stared at them.

“Oh,” he breathed before reaching for his phone. He quickly tapped out a message and waited for a response that came almost immediately.

Lafayette shut down. Seeing John dismiss them so easily to text Alex -he was the only one to reply so fast ever-, was too hurtful. Before they could ask what that was about John had leaned in closer and cupped their face in his hand. With his thumb he brushed away their tears.

“What-” they began but John cut him off with his thumb.

“You love me too.” John's voice was way too soft, too wondrous.

Lafayette knew it was futile to even argue the statement or its semantics. They closed their eyes in defeat.

“John, I-”  
  
John kissed them.

Lafayette jerked back in shock, their eyes wide, their heart pounding, anger building.

“This isn't a joke, Laurens,” they grit out, pushing John's hand away.

They could see a quick flash of hurt pass through John's eyes.

“I know it isn't- Fuck, Gil, do you really think I would do that to you? That I would play you like that?”

Of course they didn't but nothing was making sense anymore.

“I _want_ to kiss you. I've wanted to for so long,” a soft admission. “And if you want me to, please let me.” His hand back on their face, making sure their eyes stayed on his.

Lafayette couldn't help but be pulled in. John's lips grazed theirs.

“But-”

“It's alright,” John soothed, kissing them again. Lafayette kissed back before pulling away.

“Alexander, John, you-”

“It's alright,” John repeated, cutting them off before they could work themselves up into a rage on behalf of Alexander, and reaching for his phone. He unlocked it and held it up for Lafayette to see.

**John  
** _I'm gonna kiss them. Like right now._

**Alex  
** _:raised_hands:_

**Alex  
** _I can't believe you finally gathered the courage, John_

**Alex  
** _I am so proud of you_

**Alex  
** _I love you <3_

**Alex  
** _Which you should tell them too btw_

**Alex  
** _I'm celebrating I'm getting three shots and you can't stop me_

**Alex  
** _Oh and give them a kiss for me too, yeah?_

**Alex  
** _If they reject you let me know because then I'll be commiserating by getting another shot and getting you a donut_

Lafayette blinked at the screen in disbelief before looking back at John, who was looking almost shy.

“You-”

“Yes,” John nodded, a small smile on his face.

Lafayette was still trying to process whatever it was that was happening when John leaned in again.

“Can I kiss you now? Please?”

Still dumbfounded, Lafayette nodded, and after a blinding smile (a smile usually reserved for Alexander, and therefore making them feel weak to have it directed at them), John kissed them again.

Their heart was beating furiously and their head was spinning, but Lafayette was kissing John. Actually. Kissing. John. They could cry over how good it felt, over how their emotions were too big for their body. If they had fallen asleep again and all of this was a dream, they never wanted to wake up.

Their lips slid against each other and John's hand made its way into their hair, making them sigh and clutch at John's shirt.

They had no idea how long they and John had been sitting there getting lost in each other. Nor did they know when it was that John had climbed onto their lap to get closer, when their kisses had gotten deeper. They didn't care. They could feel John's arousal but they didn't care about that either. They trusted John to not do anything without making sure it was okay. A quick flash of worry passed through their mind when thinking about the future in that regard but a small moan from John washed it away.

_They_ were the one making John feel good and fuck it was exhilarating. How did Alexander ever pull himself away?

A strangled sound eventually drew them apart and Lafayette felt panic rising up even though they had read the messages. They tried to tell themselves it was alright. John had said so. _Alexander_ had said so.

“Hey Alex,” John said, beaming, looking at the man standing there with his mouth open. Lafayette was about to be impressed by Alexander being speechless when he recovered.

“Did you give him a kiss from me yet?” Alexander smirked.

Just when they thought they were in the clear, Lafayette felt their heart constrict.

“Nah, I figured I'd let you handle that yourself,” John said, looking back at Lafayette, who was about to open his mouth again. “Still not a joke, love. I know this is a lot. I know you don't believe it yet, but we love you, Gil. We _love_ you. _We_.”

“Is that why you were so,” some hand gestures as Lafayette tried to find a word that didn't sound demeaning before giving up, “about me moving out?”

“What!?” Alexander squeaked.

“Desperate?” John chuckled. “Yeah it was. I knew both Alex and I would be heartbroken if you left. I wanted to tell you right away, but you didn't want to wait for Alex and I didn't want to pressure or manipulate you into staying out of guilt towards us or something. But then I realized why you wanted to leave and-” John sighed. “I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner. If I'd known how much you were hurting...”

Lafayette gave a small smile, not knowing what to say.

“Alright someone better fill me in about what happened because all this talk of Gil leaving and hurting is not good for my blood pressure,” Alexander interjected, setting down the coffee and walking towards them, sitting down on the chair John had vacated. He reached out for one of Lafayette's hands and kissed it gently before kissing John's cheek.

Lafayette held onto Alexander's hand as if it were a lifeline.

“Unrequited love is hard enough as it is, Alexander, let alone if you live with them _and_ they are the ones in love with each other. I couldn't do it anymore.”

“But it wasn't unrequited!” Alexander exclaimed. “John, tell them- tell them I've been in love with them for ages!”

John rolled his eyes and Lafayette laughed, albeit weakly.

“First of all, I'm right here. And secondly, you never told me. How was I supposed to know?”

“Well-” Alexander sputtered. “I figured it was quite obvious,” he ended defensively. “I don't kiss Hercules on the cheek you know.”

Lafayette blushed.

“I'm sorry,” they started.

“No,” John interrupted. “There is nothing to be sorry for. We should have told you. Alex wanted to, as he was already sure you were aware of his feelings, but I was scared of losing you. Scared you might not feel the same way about us. Or only about Alex. And because of my cowardice I hurt you so much you wanted to leave. I can't-”

“It's not as if I told you, either. How could I possibly risk our friendship?” Lafayette said quietly. “So I was selfish until my selfishness started hurting me more than it made me feel good.”

Alexander sighed dramatically.

“I can't believe we all were this stupid. If we'd only acted like adults we could have been together all this time! The things we could have been doing!”

Lafayette blushed deeper. They couldn't believe this was happening.

“Alex is just a bit excited,” John chuckled. “When he calms down he'll realize it wasn't that easy.”

Alexander huffed and Lafayette smiled.

“So where do we go from here?” they asked, scared to ruin the mood but needing to know nonetheless.

“To start I would like to kiss you,” Alexander replied smoothly. “If that's okay, of course.”

Lafayette glanced at John who gave them a quick kiss before nodding.

“We're all yours, love.”

A smile spread on their face as they looked back to Alexander, their heart ready to burst and speeding up again as the man leaned in, neatly pressing his mouth against theirs. Lafayette sighed as their eyes fluttered shut, John's hand stroking their cheek. It was entirely too much, yet nowhere near enough.

This was really happening. Lafayette felt equal parts nervous and sure that it would all fall into place, like the three of them always had, but they would revel in this either way, for as long as they let them.

“God I love you,” Alexander breathed as he pulled back. “I can't believe I get to say that now, for real.” He kissed John. “I can't believe I somehow got the two most amazing people to fall in love with me.”

“Neither can I,” grinned John. “Though I think we can all relate.”

“That's the understatement of the century,” Lafayette put in, a smile back on their face, their shoulders relaxed. Still not fully believing but going with it regardless. “There is one thing, though.”

Alexander and John looked at them expectantly, but neither moved away from them. John still on their lap, and Alexander still close enough to kiss without too much effort.

“I know you guys are quite, well, sexual, and-”

“And we won't make you do anything you don't want to. We won't even ask when we know it's too much for you,” John was quick to reassure them.

“I'm not gonna lie,” Alexander started and Lafayette bit their lip at John's long suffering sigh. “There is so much I would love to do to you. To you both. Or for you to do to me. But none of that means shit if you don't want to and I would never push. Your sexuality is fucking valid and I'd be offended you even felt like you had to bring it up if I didn't know you've gotten shit for it in the past.”

“I just don't know, that's the thing, and I'd hate to disappoint you,” Lafayette shrugged, their heart warm from both their passionate words.

Both men pulled away from them, to look at them directly.

“Don't you ever say yes because you feel like you'd disappoint either one of us otherwise,” Alexander said heatedly. “I mean it. I love you. _We_ love you. Just the way you are. If you end up becoming some kind of sex deity for us, that'd be great. If you end up only being around us when we get it on, that'd be great. If you don't want to be anywhere near us when we have sex, that'd also be great. We just want you, in any way you'll let us have you.”

John bit his lip to keep himself from laughing as he shook his head fondly.

“What he said. Although perhaps a bit less crude.” Lafayette laughed, feeling like they might burst. “Just let us know, okay?”

Lafayette nodded.

“And even if you say yes to try something and you hate it, or you just want to stop, just say the word. Anytime. Or even if you just feel uncomfortable, whether the situation is sexual or not. John can tell you I always stop when asked.”

“And sometimes even when he isn't,” John confirmed, a loving smile on his face.

Alexander's proud face was entirely too much for Lafayette and they buried their face in John's neck as they let out a burst of laughter. They were so giddy they couldn't help it.

“That sounds perfect,” they said as they came back up.

“Oh!” Alexander exclaimed. “And of course don't be afraid to ask if you want to try anything. Or just want to cuddle or something. You gotta communicate.”

“Alex is very good at that,” John deadpanned.

Lafayette snorted as they fought their blush over Alexander's suggestive face and wiggling eyebrows.

“I bet he is. He communicates everything else well enough. Mostly.”

Alexander looked offended and Lafayette and John broke out in another round of laughter. Lafayette thought they'd be okay. They'd still be them. They'd still be the Queer Disaster Trio everyone knew and loved.

When they'd calmed down, Lafayette made sure to look each of them in the eyes as they said: “I'll try. It might take me some time to feel comfortable enough, but I'll try.”

“That's all we can ask for,” John said, smiling at them softly, while Alexander nodded.

“I love you,” Lafayette said softly, not able to keep it in any longer. They hated that it still sounded so shy, as if they weren't allowed to say it, but they couldn't change their entire mindset on a dime.

Both men beamed and Lafayette felt their heart stutter at the now-obvious love in their gazes. Directed at them.

“So what now?” Alexander asked as he stood up to walk towards the coffee that must have gone cold by now.

John looked at them expectantly and Lafayette could only think of one thing to say.

“Now I would love to take a nap; I'm exhausted.”

A beat of silence before Alexander snorted and John shook his head fondly.

“And maybe tonight we could go out to dinner?” John suggested.

Lafayette's breath caught in their throat. They wanted to take them out. They didn't want to keep this behind closed doors.

“Like a date?” They asked just to be sure.

“Our very first.”

“The first of many,” Alexander chimed in.

“I'd love that,” Lafayette smiled.

“Good! Now that that's settled, let's get to bed shall we!” Alexander grabbed the coffee and started to make his way out of the kitchen.

“You're going to bed, too?” Lafayette asked dubiously.

Alexander looked at them as if they'd gone mad.

“No of course not, but you and John can cuddle while I work next to you and stroke your hair while you sleep.”

A wide smile bloomed on their face.

“Let's go, then.”

John clambered off their lap, blushing over the fact he had been in their lap all this time, and held out his hand.

Lafayette grabbed it and let themselves be led to, what they hoped would from now on be, their bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this could be expanded with some explicit stuff (in a part two, obvs), but I'd like to know your thoughts!


End file.
